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Mindful lifestyle

Making a relationship work in a time of hunting individual happiness

12. november 2018


A few months back I made short random rambles over on Youtube which was dedicated to my thoughts on, what makes a relationship work. Not generally speaking because we’re all different and I am by no means an expert – but in a time where we seem to hunt individual happiness as never before and we often choose to focus on a more evasive kind of happiness, I do believe that we have some rather qualified theories concerning a lasting relationship, nonetheless what has worked for us.

We met when we where 18 and 19 years old so in reality we were just kids when we met. We bonded rather quickly and we moved in together already after just 6 months. I think one of the reasons why we had such a strong connection to each other so early, is because our background is very similar in so many ways. We’ve not had the best start to our lives and we have both grown up outside of our biological homes, so in an early age we were both put in foster families. We’ve both dealt with personal challenges and it’s been one of the strengths of our relationship, that we have experienced so many similar things and we recognise each others feelings. Sometimes it can be hard to put into words what you are feeling, so having someone by your side who sometimes know these words before you even do is amazing. At least someone who understands why you are feeling the way you do.

…

For nogle måneder tilbage lavede jeg en lille kort video på min youtube kanal, som var dedikeret til en snak om, hvad der får et forhold til at fungere. Ikke sådan generelt set, for vi er jo alle forskellige og jeg er på ingen måde en ekspert – men i en tid hvor mange mennesker jagter den individuelle lykke og vælger de faste rammer og forhold fra til fordel for noget der ofte er mere flygtigt, så synes jeg nu alligevel min mand og jeg har nogle ret kvalificerede bud på, hvad det er der ihvertfald har fået vores forhold til at holde i nu snart 10 år.

Vi mødte hinanden da vi var 18 og 19 år gamle, så vi var jo i bund og grund bare et par voksne teenagere. Vi knyttede os lynhurtigt til hinanden, og flyttede faktisk sammen allerede efter blot et halvt år. Jeg tror én af grundene til, at vi knyttede så stærkt et bånd til hinanden på så kort tid, er fordi vores opvækst på mange måder ligner hinanden. Vi har ikke haft den fedeste start på livet og er iøvrigt begge vokset op udenfor vores biologiske hjem og blev i en ret tidlig alder anbragt i plejefamilie. Vi har begge gået i gennem en del personlige udfordringer, og det har helt klart været en styrke det her med, at vi har oplevet mange af de samme ting og kan genkende mange af de samme følelser. Nogle gange kan det være svært selv at sætte ord på det man går igennem, og så er det bare dejligt at have en person der nærmest kan sætte ord på dine følelser for dig – eller ihvertfald forstår dig langt hen af vejen som ingen anden.

We think of each other as somewhat of a team. Of course we have each of our own interests that has nothing to do with our better half – it’s important to make room for each other like that – but we move and grow in the same direction, if that makes sense. Theres a huge potentiel risk of growing apart when you meet at such a young age as we did, again we were just kids. We might have looked at ourselves as grown ups, but boy have we evolved over the past 10 years since we met. So again, there’s been a potential and quite natural risk that we would grow apart at some point. It happens, even with friendships, that you simply grow apart somehow. Maybe you don’t share the same ideas and values about life anymore. Maybe you just don’t talk as you used to. Or maybe you get stuck in the relationship, because you don’t make enough space for each other. My husband and I have also gone through a few periods where we weren’t sure, that we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives. We’ve had our ups and downs like everyone else, so we are by no means perfect. But to forgive is to love, and our downs have made us stronger. I think it’s pretty inevitable to step back and have a second look at your life sometimes, especially when you meet at such a young age. There are so many possibilities today, and so many things you’d like to do and try. There’s no shame in that.

I’ve been feeling kind of guilty lately, after putting our house up for sale – not because I’ve forced my husband to get onboard with it at all, but just because it was my idea to begin with. I’m the one who suddenly realised how limited I feel, living in a small town like this. My husband has dealt with it in such an amazing way, he’s given me lots of space and understanding and in general he’s just been preparing himself for the conversion we’re standing before, now that the house is finally for sale. No-one is placing any guilt, we’re just trying to be open and honest about our possibilities and how we want our lives to be. Kind of a “I don’t care where we end up, as long as we end up there together” way of thinking.

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I’ve been going through some rough patches personally, in terms of growing up and having kids. Not because I’m in doubt whether I want to have kids with my husband or not. But I love our relationship as it is, and even though I can get so eager to have kids that I just want to drop everything and just do it already some days, it also terrifies me because I don’t want things to change. We are living our best lives already, and even though I see myself as way more of a family-person than a career-person my freedom means the world to me right now, especially when looking at my job. But also the freedom my husband and I have right now to travel, go out for dinner, to the movies, festivals, on long drives on a sunday or whatever the heck we want is something that is so valuable to me. It makes me happy to the bone, to even just think of doing these things together. The way to build a family is no longer black/white and I think you need to make the decisions that make sense for you, even though it seems selfish to others. We’ve decided to wait a little while with the kids and to prioritise us and our freedom. In reality we are probably just scared, that when our time comes we’re gonna be on our own a lot of the way. We don’t have two full sets of grandparents plus parents that we can call when we need a helping hand. We’ve got close family relations and we get lots of support, don’t get me wrong! But everyone has their own daily life and their own battles to fight, and that’s just how it is. I’m not blaming anyone or holding any grudges, because I’ve chosen to simply accept that’s how it is for us.  I know that a baby is gonna be the biggest adventures of all, and I’m just not sure I’m ready for that adventure yet. You know what I mean? I feel like we’ve only just started with our own adventure, even though we are both close to turning 30. I don’t know, I’m always kind of torn when it comes to having kids, but maybe it’s normal finding yourself somewhere in between when you reach a certain age, and then finally you just do it?

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Vi ser os selv lidt som et team, min mand og jeg. Selvfølgelig har vi hver vores interesser som den anden ikke tager del i – det er vigtigt at gøre plads til hinanden – men vi bevæger os stadig i samme retning hvis det giver mening. Der kan jo være en stor risiko forbundet med, at man møder hinanden i så ung en alder for vi var jo slet ikke voksne endnu på det tidspunkt. Det troede vi måske, men der er sket så sindssygt meget med os begge to i løbet af de 10 år vi har været sammen. Så igen har der været en overhængende risiko for, at vi ville vokse i to vidt forskellige retninger. Det sker jo, også med venskaber, at man ganske enkelt vokser fra hinanden på en eller anden måde. Måske har man ikke længere de samme holdninger, værdier og ønsker med livet som man engang havde. Måske taler man bare ikke rigtig sammen længere, som man gjorde engang. Eller måske kvæles man i forholdet, fordi man glemmer at give plads til hinanden. Min mand og jeg har da også haft enkelte perioder hvor vi ikke var sikre på, at det skulle være os resten af livet. Vi har haft vores op- og nedture ligesom de fleste andre forhold, så vi er bestemt ikke perfekte. Men at tilgive er som bekendt at elske, og vores nedture har kun gjort vores forhold endnu stærkere. Jeg tror det ret naturligt at træde tilbage og revurdere sit liv somme tider, især hvis man møder hinanden så unge som vi gjorde. Der er så mange muligheder i dag, og der er så mange ting man gerne vil opleve. Det er der ingen skam i.

Jeg har været plaget en del af dårlig samvittighed over alt det her med, at vi har sat huset til salg – ikke fordi at jeg på nogen måde har tvunget idéen ned i halsen på min mand, men fordi det i første omgang var min idé. Det var mig der pludselig indså, hvor begrænset og understimuleret jeg føler mig her hvor vi bor nu. Min mand har håndteret det helt fantastisk, for dér har han bare givet mig masser af plads og forståelse og har generelt været super åben ovenfor den omstilling vi nu står overfor, efter endelig at have sat huset til salg. Der er ingen der bebrejder nogen noget men igen er der bare masser af åbenhed og forståelse for, hvad den anden nu engang føler. Sådan lidt en “jeg er ligeglad med hvor vi ender, bare vi ender der sammen” følelse.

Som jeg også nævnte i ét af mine forrige indlæg så har jeg personligt også været igennem nogle små kriser (og er det stadig somme tider), i forhold til alt det her med at blive voksen og få børn. Ikke fordi jeg er i tvivl om, om min mand og jeg skal have børn sammen. Men jeg elsker vores forhold som det er nu, og selvom jeg sagtens kan blive skruk og nogle dage bare har lyst til at smide alt hvad jeg har i hænderne og udvide vores familie så skræmmer det mig også, igen fordi jeg ikke vil have vores liv og forhold ændrer sig. Vi har det dejligt som vi har det, og selvom jeg ser mig selv mere som familiemenneske end karrieremenneske, så betyder min frihed ekstra meget for mig lige nu, især på jobfronten. Men også den frihed min mand og jeg har til at rejse, tage ud og spise sammen, tage til festivaller, køre lange søndagsture, gå til koncerter og hvad vi nu ellers finder på er virkelig noget jeg værdsætter. Det er noget der gør mig glad helt ind i hjertet! Måden at bygge en familie op på er ikke sort/hvid og jeg synes man skal træffe de valg der giver bedst mening for én selv, også selvom det kan virke egoistisk set med andre briller. Vi har valgt at vente lidt med børnene og prioritere os selv og de ting vi godt kan lide. I bund og grund er vi nok også lidt bange for, at når vores tid kommer, så bliver vi meget alene om opgaven. Vi har ikke to hold bedsteforældre eller to hold forældre for den sags skyld, som vi bare lige kan ringe til hvis det brænder på. Vi har nære relationer og dejlige familier der støtter os, forstå mig ret! Men alle har ligesom deres at se til, og sådan er det jo. Det er slet ikke noget jeg er direkte ked af eller bebrejder nogen for, fordi jeg har valgt at acceptere at det er sådan det ér. Desuden ved jeg allerede nu, at en baby bliver det største eventyr nogensinde – jeg er bare ikke sikker på, at jeg er klar til det eventyr endnu. Forstår I hvad jeg mener? Jeg synes næsten kun lige vores eget eventyr er begyndt, på trods af at vi begge nærmer os 30 år med hastige skridt. Jeg ved det ikke, synes jeg er lidt på vippen i forhold til det med de kære små rollinger, men måske er det meget normalt at man svinger lidt på skal/skal ikke inden man på et eller andet tidspunkt bare tager springet?

In many ways we’re still the big kids we’ve always been, I don’t think that will every change. We’re goof around, hug, hold hands while walking the dog, cook together while dancing around in the kitchen, make hot cocoa when it’s raining and we tease each other like we’ve always done. One of the things I fell for was my husband’s humor and his ability to make others (especially me) laugh. I love that he is the only one alive who can get the real silly Signe to come out, and who makes me laugh completely whole-heartedly. He makes me feel proud of who I am, and he even thanks me for having chosen a completely different patch career-wise and don’t give a damn about what others might think. He knows that it makes me happier to do things on my own terms, and he tells me everyday how exciting he thinks this whole thing is, and it’s only made me want to have him be part of the journey even more. All this combined is also what makes me sure that we will be amazing parents one day. Both as a team but also each in our own way.

It may sound like I’m trying to paint a pretty picture. But I think what I’m tying to say is, that I feel SO grateful for everything we have taught each other, everything we’ve gone through together and that we’ve held on to each other even when things were hard. No relationship is perfect and the evasive feeling of being in love will fade and turn into a love that is more deep and basic – something you need to prioritise and not take for granted. I hope you know that! I’m proud that we’ve come this far through all these years, and I can’t wait for all the adventures that awaits us.

…

På mange måder er vi stadig et par store legebørn, og det tror jeg aldrig ændrer sig. Vi elsker at fjolle, putte og kramme, vi holder i hånd når vi går tur med hunden, laver mad og danser rundt i køkkenet, hygger og laver varm kakao når det regner og driller hinanden ligesom vi altid har gjort. Én af de ting jeg faldt for ved min mand var hans humor og hans evne til, at få andre (især mig) til at grine. Jeg elsker at han er den eneste der kan få den rigtige fjollede Signe frem og få mig til at grine sådan rigtigt, helt ned i maven. Hende som jeg i virkeligheden føler mig som. Han får mig til at føle mig stolt over den jeg er – og han takker mig endda for at have styrken og modet til, at have valgt, at gå andre veje rent jobmæssigt og være ligeglad med hvad andre tænker. Han ved det har gjort mig gladere og stærkere og han fortæller mig hver dag, hvor spændende han synes det hele er, hvilket kun giver mig endnu mere styrke og lyst til, at lade ham være en del af rejsen. Det er også alt dette sammenlagt der gør mig helt sikker på, at vi bliver fantastiske forældre – én eller anden dag. Både sammen som team og på hver vores måde.

Det kan lyde enormt påtaget og som om jeg prøver på at fremstille vores forhold som et glansbillede. Men jeg tror egentlig at det jeg prøver på at komme frem til er, at jeg føler mig SÅ taknemmelig for alt det vi har lært hinanden, alt det vi har gået igennem sammen og at vi har hængt i selv når det så allermest sort ud. Ingen forhold er perfekte og den flygtige forelskelse man oplever i starten vil ebbe ud og kærligheden vil blive mere dyb og grundlæggende – noget man skal arbejde lidt mere for og ikke tage for givet. Det håber jeg I ved! Jeg er stolt over, at vi har formået at holde fast i hinanden gennem alle disse år og jeg er så spændt på alle de ting vi skal opleve sammen i fremtiden.

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17 Comments

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Comments

  1. Silke says

    12. november 2018 at 14:26

    Hej Signe, one saying is: Its never the right time to have a Baby 😉
    You always might feel like something might be more important at that moment or some plans might not work out but in the end you can do it…. Wait till you’ve moved into your new house and then why not? Having children is wonderful, even though they can drive you mental and up the wall at many occasions, but I wouldn’t like to miss them in this world.
    My children have moved 10 times in 19 (oldest) and 6 times in 11 Years (youngest) including 5 Countries and they have turned out fantastic. Its never been easy in all the time with sunshine and roses, but we made it. The most important thing in this Journey is to not loose yourself in just being parents, you need to remember that you are still a couple too. Make the time for each other , even if you had stressful day, appreciate each other for what you do. Life is to short to not to enjoy. Love, Silke

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  2. Maroulio says

    12. november 2018 at 17:51

    Love this post, Signe. You both have such a mature outlook on your relationship. At 30, I would say wait at least 5 years to consider having a child. You will never have the same freedom as you do now, and once you are a parent it is forever- both the joys and the concerns. I had my first child at 29, having been married since I was 21. At the time, I had wanted to have a child much sooner but that had not happened. I think I was a better parent for having him then. As I am 79, at the time I was older than most first time mothers. Now I see couples having their first child in their late 30 or early 40’s, and with life expectancy being longer, I think that’s fine. So don’t feel pressured to rush into parenthood, and also consider if you want to have children at all. I know many couples who chose not to have children and have no regrets whatsoever. Personally, I have a great son and daughter, and 6 grandchildren who have enriched my life, but that was my choice. It is also difficult at times, as a parent and grandparent never stops worrying!

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  3. Hayley says

    12. november 2018 at 19:30

    First off, I love your blog! I feel like we have similar personalities and I love the way you restyle your clothes and buy secondhand/challenge us to think outside the box. (P.S. – I studied in Denmark back in 2008 and I miss it so much!)

    I totally get what you are feeling. I had similar thoughts before we started trying for a baby. You absolutely have to be ready. The only thing I would add is that I would not wait another 5 years. This may come off wrong but our bodies have less success after 35. I just figured this out myself. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to seeing everything you come up with!

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  4. Alex says

    12. november 2018 at 19:52

    What a nice story, you really have each others backs!
    You’ll cross the kids bridge if it happens, I’m 29 and I totally understand the freedom aspect, I wouldn’t change it for anything right now. I’m sure we’ll naturally know the answer one day, until then, no sweat!

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  5. Wanessa says

    12. november 2018 at 20:18

    Hallo Signe. It is so nice to read your text right now. First because it sounds so sincere and second because I am having the same thoughts about having a child… I have just turned 30 and also my sisters in law have the most funny and sweet babies… and I love them…
    But in the other hand… how can I be sure this is the right time… can we ever know that?…
    Anyway thanks for sharing ❤

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  6. Rachel Dow says

    12. november 2018 at 20:46

    Singe,
    I always love your honesty!! You seem mature far beyond your years! As a 38 old mother of two (13 &9) I can see both sides of the coin. I also met and started dating my husband when I was a teen (17) We didn’t marry/ live together until I was 21 & had our daughter when I was 25. I feel I had more energy at 25 than I do now at 38, but… I lacked the wisdom only years can bring. I don’t think I would have changed when I had children, but I do so wish my husband & I had worked out many of our problems before we had kids. Sounds like you two are already on that path knowing that “love” is more than a feeling. It’s a life long commitment. Also, be willing to “attack” your life including parenting, when the time comes with the same attitude you’ve attacked your work life. Who says you need to fit into someone else’s box? Do what brings you & your husband peace and brings you both closer as a couple. Never let a job, friends, social media, or even kids put a wedge between you two. Marriage first, work/kids/friends second. I will be praying for the both of you during this new season of house selling/hunting/thinking about kids!!
    Blessings from the USA ~R

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  7. Sonia says

    12. november 2018 at 22:21

    Hi Signe
    That’s a very interesting post. I think you are just expressing what most people feel when they think about starting a family. It’s a huge responsibility but great fun too. Don’t think that having a child means that you and your husband can’t continue to be silly and have fun. There will just be another little person to join in! Sounds like the time Is not right for you just yet but one day you will have had enough of indulging yourself and you will want the responsibility of a child to care for and fuss over. When that time comes, you will know!

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  8. Katja says

    13. november 2018 at 9:25

    Hej Signe.
    Gud hvor jeg kan genkende dine tanker omkring børn. Mig og min mand blev gift for et par måneder siden og har planer om at vi nok snart skal begynde på at prøve på at få børn. Men jeg kan gå fra at tænke det skal være lige nu til dagen efter at ville udskyde det med 6 måneder. Men vi har allerede snakket en del om at vi skal huske at der stadig skal være plads til at være et par og to individer selv om der kommer børn. Og jeg er helt sikker på at vi nok skal finde ud af det.
    Kan godt mærke at det er skræmmende da der ikke er nogle af vores nære venner og veninder der har børn endnu så har ikke endnu oplevet hvordan det vil påvirke de forhold.
    Men jeg har bestemt mig for at næste gang pakken af prævention er tom, så må vi se hvad der sker :O For tror aldrig jeg vil stoppe med at være bange for hvordan det vil ændre mit/vores liv, men heldigvis er jeg også mega spændt på at starte et nyt eventyr.

    mvh Katja

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    • signeh24 says

      14. november 2018 at 7:44

      Åh jeg kender det så godt! Jeg tror nu også inderst inde, at så snart vi er på plads i vores nye hus så går der ikke længe. For jeg er da også mega spændt på, at møde det lille menneske som skal være en del af vores team, og som jo bliver en blanding af os begge! <3 Jeg bliver helt spændt på dine vegne, er sikker på det nok skal gå så fint! knus

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  9. Danish Pastry says

    14. november 2018 at 7:23

    This is a great post! I love your honesty and that you can share your feelings with us.
    I’m not qualified to talk about the kids part of life, as my husband and I decided together not to have any, and there are no regrets (we met in our early 30’s, and beforehand I’d already realised the prospect on no kids didn’t bother me at all).
    What I do relate to is that you say the rough patches make you stronger as a couple, this is so true! There is so much focus, as you so rightly say, on individual happiness that there is a tendency to walk away and not work through the rough parts (And the ease of divorce, especially in Denmark, doesn’t help either). There are of course times when walking away is the right thing to do (Am I allowed to be eternally grateful that the not so pretty being dumped in my previous relationship needed to happen for me to find the near perfect one I now have?), but there does need to be some attempt at working things out, wonderful things can happen!
    I was at a civil wedding once, where the registrar read out a poem, the gist of it was that a marriage is an empty box, you have to put something in to get something out, and you have to keep putting something in otherwise the box will eventually be empty! Those words, way more eloquent than mine, have stayed with me.
    So thank you again for focusing on happiness as a couple and not always putting individual happiness before everything else (I can also see this being positive if and when you decide to have some little people).

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    • signeh24 says

      14. november 2018 at 7:42

      Thank you so much for these great input! <3 And I LOVE that quote! Really puts the right perspective on what a marriage is all about. Thanks for sharing! <3 xx

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  10. Marija says

    15. november 2018 at 21:40

    Hi, just wanted to say that I felt the same way till 31. Espec. 28-30, when I felt some kind of pressure to have a baby. And than, just like that, both me and my husband agread that the time is right. Now I am pregnant and realy happy, but I am sure that we would not feel so good about this year or two ago. Don’t rush. You have a loooot of time to give yourself.

    P.S. I love your blog and youtube chanel. I never miss anything. 🤗

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    • signeh24 says

      16. november 2018 at 7:52

      Thank you so much for that sweet comment Marija <3 And congratulations on your pregnancy! xx

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  11. Fia says

    18. november 2018 at 8:29

    Signe du resonerar väl och alla får göra de val de vill. Vad gäller barn så blir det en utmaning för förhållandet men en som gör att ni växer tillsammans. Gemensamma projekt brukar ha den effekten. Och man får så mycket mer kärlek i livet och blir dessutom del av den stora gemenskapen “föräldrar”. Slutligen, det kan ta lång tid att få barn och ni behöver ha med det i beräkningen. Lycka till!

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  12. Veronica says

    19. november 2018 at 6:52

    Hi Signe, I am your age and I am a new mom. I know exactly how you feel. It does seem scary to have children when you feel like your are living your best life right this moment… I think you are right about the fact that with a kid everything changes. That is true. But it is almost like getting hit by a giant wave. At first you are completely disoriented and gasping for breath, but then slowly you get back your footing and feel the same as what you felt before “the hit”… I guess what I am trying to say is – don’t be scare but don’t rush it either. You will know when is the right time and you will get your footing back too so that you will be able to do everything you aspire to! <3

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    • signeh24 says

      19. november 2018 at 7:16

      Thanks for your insights Veronica! <3 Many people always respond with a "it's never the right time to have kids..." and I know that. I don't think there's a perfect time, but I do believe that there may be periods in ones life where you are mentally stronger than other, where you just feel more ready.

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  13. tgchi13 says

    23. november 2018 at 4:54

    If you have doubts, question, qualms, you aren’t really ready.

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